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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24866689">Relief</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/KilLinggames/pseuds/KilLinggames'>KilLinggames</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shadowhunters (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Blood Kink, Blood!Kink, Knifeplay, M/M, Magnus's fancy armor ring, Porn with Feelings, Self-Harm, Sort Of, it's not a knife but it's pointy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 09:13:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,289</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24866689</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/KilLinggames/pseuds/KilLinggames</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec goes back to bad habits and Magnus comforts him. </p>
<p>Malec blood!kink + fluff</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>53</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Relief</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It had been a bad day. Not for any specific reason, mostly just a buildup of many things that were usually easy enough to take care of on their own. There were some issues from the other institutes, especially the Paris one. Alec had to fight an upcoming proposition the Council was considering to force a census of downworlders. Honestly it’s like every time he thought he’d gained some small victory, something else came up to knock him back down. One step forward, two steps back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was past seven in the evening, and he was still sitting in his office, trying to get some work done. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Trying </span>
  </em>
  <span>being the operative word since he hadn’t been able to concentrate on anything for the past hour or so. His eyes felt dry and his chest felt heavy. He was restless, and the skin under his fingers itched. A sigh of frustration left his lips. He leaned back in his chair, eyes closed, to take a little break. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s useless</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he thought, he wasn’t getting anywhere like that. But he couldn’t just give up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So he got up and started pacing quickly back and forth in his office, gritting his teeth. He clenched and unclenched his fingers several times, then gripped them together, then let go, then tried to relax them at his sides. Then the fidgeting started again and he found himself scratching incessantly at his own forearms. It didn’t help. His movements were getting more frantic and he tipped his head back, letting out a long scream. His fingers continued to scratch and scratch and scratch. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then they slipped. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked down, and sees red. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The world paused, just for a second, as he looked at the thin red line where he’d broken the skin. Without thinking or knowing why, he touched a droplet to his lips. It tasted salty and metallic. He felt the adrenaline begin to pump through his veins, and found it comforting. It felt like home. This white collar life, his position as Inquisitor; he thought it’d been the best thing for him. Well, in many ways, it was. He could do a lot more as Inquisitor than he could as the head of the New York Institute. It kept him safe for Magnus. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But he was never made for it, wasn’t raised to sit behind a desk and push papers. He was a weapon, and weapons were made to defend, to attack, to do anything but sit still for eight or more hours a day every day. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck it. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He thought as he hastily took off his shirt, leaving him only in his black sleeveless undershirt. Enough documents. Enough reports. Enough letters. He’s going to the training room, let off some steam. The Clave could wait an extra day. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He called Magnus to tell him that he wouldn't be coming home that day, that he was going to stay at Idris that night, and not to wait up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cinta, are you alright?” Magnus’s voice was laced with concern. “You sound… odd.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m fine, Magnus.” Alec sighed, “Just tired. And I’ve still got a ton of paperwork to do, so I’ll probably be here for a while. I don’t want to make you stay up just to portal me home. I know you’ve got an important meeting with the High Warlock of California early tomorrow morning.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span> “Hmm. Alright, darling. I’ll see you tomorrow though right?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course.” Alec couldn’t help but smile at Magnus’s anxious tone. They had barely been apart 24 hours. It warmed his heart that even after 5 years of marriage, his husband could still sound so eager to see him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey. You know I love you right?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How could I forget? You tell me that every single day.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Magnus hummed contentedly, and they stayed on the phone a few more minutes just to hear each other breathing. The silence was comfortable, and made feel a little bit better already. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright. I really do gotta go now. Goodnight, Magnus. I love you.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Goodnight, my dear Alexander.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Alec pressed the tiny button to end the call, smiling at Magnus’s profile picture. It was of the two of them, taken just last week. Magnus was dressed to the nines, giving the camera an overdone supermodel pose. Next to him stood Alec with no shirt on, jacket open to show his abs. He was laughing at Magnus, his eyes tender. Magnus had tried to get him to join in on the supermodel shenanigans, but Alec just couldn’t keep a straight face. When he realized Magnus had used the photo as his profile picture, he tried to grab Magnus’s phone to delete it but.. Well. His husband was magical. Alec stood no chance. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He let out a sigh, quickly changing into his casual training gear before packing up his bow (Magnus’s bow) and heading towards the archery hall. </span>
</p><hr/>
<p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Alec loved archery. It was the one thing that was truly his and he was so very, very good at it. He loved the stretch of his muscles when he pulled back on the string. The way the bow curved under the tension applied to it. The way it bent, but didn’t break. The sound of swiftly displaced air. The little puff of resin released into the air with every tug and release. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And the calming routinity of it. Alec could do this in his sleep (Literally. He’d slept-walked and slept-shot before and nearly taken Izzy’s head off). </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Magnus had Tai Chi, and Alec had this. His mind went quiet, and he felt the emotional tension start to bleed away. He was at peace for the first time in weeks. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He quickly entered into a trance, everything a routine motion. The whistle and </span>
  <em>
    <span>Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! </span>
  </em>
  <span>of the arrows. Running towards the next position, trying to get a bullseye from increasingly difficult angles. Collecting the released arrows, and then doing it all over again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He trudged on until well past midnight, having lost track of time. But he’d finally lost some of that prickling under his skin. His mind felt quiet, rubbed down, cleansed. Although he ended up completely exhausted and with all his muscles sore, they were sore in a good way. A cleansing soreness, his muscles loose. It was the kind of exhausted you know will make for an amazing night’s sleep.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Having decided to call it a night, he picked up the towel he’d prepared and started wiping himself down. When done, he noticed the red blooms upon the once-white towel. Puzzled, he looked over his forearm. He thought the small wounds would have scabbed over already in the past few hours. And indeed they had. The blood wasn’t coming from those tiny scratches, they were from his hand where the fletchings on his arrows had dug deep and left their marks. He should activate an iratze, he knew. But </span>
  <em>
    <span>later. </span>
  </em>
  <span>There was time for that </span>
  <em>
    <span>later.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He cleaned his arrows and packed them up, gathering the rest of his things on his way out the door. </span>
</p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The walk home was nice, peaceful. The weather was clear and the fresh air felt refreshing in his lungs and on his skin. Alec looked up at the sky. Idris was truly beautiful at night. There were no stars back in New York. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Now that he’d come down a bit, he felt like in a daze, mind fully trapped inside his body. The world went on around him and he’s merely sat back to watch. It wasn’t an unpleasant feeling. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When he got to his front door, he had to fumble with his keys a little with how slippery his fingers had gotten. He wiped them down on the side of his shirt and walked in the door. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He quickly found that he wasn’t alone. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Magnus was there, having fallen asleep on the couch. Alec shot him a fond smile and put down his gear. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He must not have been as quiet as he thought, and Magnus stirred awake. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, you’re ho--Alexander!!!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Magnus’s panicked voice jolted Alec partly out of his content daze. He looked at Magnus quizzically, confusion all over his face. Magnus rushed over to him, fussing over his body, checking it over with magic.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh my god what happened to you?” Alec didn’t understand. So he just shot Magnus a confused look.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is-is this your blood?” Magnus took Alec’s hand and he winces. His eyes travelled from Alec’s face, down to his hands, then down to the bow and quiver Alec had placed on the floor. His face cleared in understanding.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Alec looked down at his own hand, clasped tightly in Magnus’s. It was covered in red, he realized. Slippery and thick. There was a lot more than he’d thought and  it had gotten everywhere. His face, his pants, his shirt. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he thought, he really should have healed himself before he went home. But he didn’t know that Magnus would be here.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Umm. Oops?” Alec tried to smile sheepishly, charmingly. To say </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m fine. Don’t worry. It’s nothing </span>
  </em>
  <span>with his gestures. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Magnus made a frustrated noise at the back of his throat and pushed closer, reducing the distance between their bodies. His right hand still held Alec’s, his left going around back to grab at Alec’s hair and neck. He squeezed around Alec’s bloody hand, and Alec gasped. He felt surrounded by Magnus like that. The scent of sandalwood was heavy in his nose, mixed with the coppery scent of blood and sweat. The pain from Magnus’s hand clenching his own worked to ground him, and he began to feel stirrings of heat in his belly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Magnus, true to his nature, noticed every little thing about his husband. He pulled back just far enough to look up at his husband’s eyes. His face was serious, eyes sharp, seemingly searching for something. His gaze then moved down to Alec’s lips, then down again further to where their bodies were flushed together. Alec felt his cheeks begin to heat up at the intensity of Magnus’s gaze on him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Slowly, slowly, Magnus opened his mouth, guiding Alec’s bloody fingers toward it. He splayed them apart, and began to lick up the palm, before inserting Alec’s index and middle fingers whole into his mouth and sucking. He looked up at Alec from below thick lashes, letting his glamour fall and revealing his golden-yellow cat eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Alec made a strangled noise in his throat, mesmerized by his husband’s actions. The stirrings in his gut getting stronger by the second.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“M-Magnus. What are you doing.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Magnus did not respond, continuing to keep eye contact as he slowly pulled back from Alec’s fingers. After what seemed like eons to Alec, Magnus’s lips finally released his fingers with a soft </span>
  <em>
    <span>pop. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Magnus slowly began to move backward, eyes still on Alec’s own, dragging him back to his bedroom by the hand. Only once they’re in and safe behind locked doors did he let go. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Strip. And lie back on the bed.” Magnus commanded. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Alec hurried to obey, pulling off the tank top he used for training before starting on the button of his pants. He threw his clothes haphazardly around the room, uncaring on where they would land. When he was fully naked, he lay back on the bed and tried to keep as still as possible, to be good for Magnus. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Magnus could have magicked away their clothes, but sometimes he did so love watching Alec strip for him. Sometimes Alec put on a little bit of a performance, loving the look on Magnus’s face as he teased. But times like these, when Alec just threw everything off as quick as possible, also did something to him. It filled him with fondness, and quieted some of the stubborn insecurities in his heart, to be able to see with his own eyes just how much Alec wants him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Magnus crawled onto the bed, magicking his clothes away but leaving his necklaces and rings, and then adding another spell to lube and open himself up without Alec noticing. He bent over Alec, hands on his husband’s face, and proceeded to give him a soft, tender kiss. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Up,” he gestured at Alec’s chest. When Alec complied, Magnus packed some pillows behind his back and scooted him up the bed so that he was lying back in an approximately 135 degree angle. This done, Magnus went to straddle his husband. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He took back Alec’s right hand, and pushed down on the wound that was already beginning to scab over with his thumb. Alec gasped again, and his dick twitched underneath Magnus. Magnus leaned forward and grabbed ahold of Alec’s cock, slowly guiding it into his hole that’s already stretched out and lubed with his magic. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It still hurt a little at first, because Alec’s just a little bigger than he’d stretched, and he hadn’t first applied lube to his cock. But Magnus embraced the pain. He thought, in a moment of poetic madness, that it symbolized himself taking on a bit of, or commiserating with, Alec’s pain. He screwed up his face in discomfort and pain as he fully seated himself on Alec’s cock. Alec just watched him, seemingly with no expression but Magnus could feel him getting even harder. Alec understood, understood what Magnus was trying to do, and he was pleased, and he was grateful.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a few moments of adjustment, Magnus began to move. Up and down he went, slowly. Savouring the feeling of movement and fullness of Alec inside himself. He leaned forward and kissed Alec’s lips. Alec placed his hand on Magnus’s hips to help him keep his balance, and for reassurance. They kissed softly and tenderly for a while, making slow and unhurried love, as Magnus dug his fingers down into Alec’s wounds, dripping blood onto his chest. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a bit, Magnus leaned back and switched Alec’s hand to his left hand. They needed the connection, but Magnus needed his dominant hand for something else now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He used his magic to sharpen the claw on his armoured ring, making sure that Alec was watching and completely understood what he was doing. What he meant to do. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Alec’s eyes turned even darker at the sight, at the anticipation. He did not understand the spark of desire he felt at the thought of Magnus hurting him, of breaking skin. But he’s never wanted anything more than he wanted this now. It’s kind of romantic, he thinks, in an odd sort of way. He’s giving himself up to Magnus to do what he will, leaving himself at his husband’s mercy. Loving his place there. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Magnus traced the sharpened claw down the inside of Alec’s left forearm, following the path of the arteries. The tip of the claw enters just barely beneath the skin, tracing a thin, bloody line. Alec groans and jerks up, arching his back, eyes are completely focused on the path that Magnus takes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Reaching the inside of Alec’s elbow, Magnus decides to move on to his chest. He traces words into the skin. Always careful, all the while, to never reach too deep. He traces “I love you”s and “beautiful,” “strong,” and “proud”. “Loved.” All the while, never stopping his slow up and down movements on Alec’s cock. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>By the time he was finished, Alec’s whole torso was red with blood and inflamed skin. Alec was breathing harder, heart pumping faster to make up for the lost blood. But his face was slack, eyes rolled back in his head in pleasure and contentment. He had never felt such a perfect combination of pleasure and pain. The chaotic mix of sensations he felt, between the feeling of Magnus’s heat around his cock and the sharp pain in his hand and on his chest, left him floating on clouds.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>He’s so beautiful like this, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Magnus thought. When he shed away all the airs and masks required of an Inquisitor of the Clave. When he laid himself bare for Magnus. So innocent and trusting. Magnus dug his claw in, just a little deeper, and leaned back down again to swallow the gasp that followed from Alec’s lips. He moved his clawed finger to rest against the hollow spot below Alec’s ear. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Lightly, lightly, </span>
  </em>
  <span>with just enough pressure for the potential danger of it to rile Alec further. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Magnus was getting so close, so he placed Alec’s other hand on his dick in silent command. His Alexander always knew what to do, and immediately began stroking Magnus’s dick, in a similarly slow tempo as Magnus’s gently rocking on his dick. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Magnus’s back was covered in sweat, his movements getting more frantic. He pulled away to draw some much needed air into his lungs and assessed Alec, and the works of art he’d carved into his skin. Alec’s face and neck, and both their chests, were covered in blood. The color contrasted so nicely against Alec’s skin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Magnus thought that Alec could do with just. One more cut. He did so, in the hollow of Alec’s neck. Alec completely stopped all movement, in fear of jostling Magnus. He was so close though, and it took more effort than he thought himself capable of. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Magnus traced the love rune into Alec’s skin and gave him a small, tender smile. Alec smiled back, touched, and they went back to kissing. The kisses became sloppier, more hurried. Magnus placed his bloody clawed hand on the side of Alec’s face, grabbing tightly and smearing more blood all over him. Magnus’s movements become more erratic, desperate.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It wasn’t long before he felt Alec’s cum filling him, and he placed his now free hand over Alec’s own on his cock. Urging him to stroke faster until Magnus reaches his own completion. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After, Magnus slumped onto Alec's chest. Alec groaned in pain but did not complain, merely used his free hand to hold Magnus even closer to himself. Tears began to form at the corner of his eyes, Alec no longer being able to hold his emotions in. He’s so full of love and awe, over his beautiful boyfriend who seemed to know exactly what he needed even when he himself didn’t. When he’d never, and never could have, imagined something like this. He placed a kiss on top of Magnus’s head and tilted his chin up to face him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi,” he smiled at the darker man. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi,” Magnus returned, an equally soft smile on his face. He gave Alec a single, chaste kiss. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you too.” They lay there like that, together, staring into each other’s eyes, for a while. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Magnus then sat up, and placed his hands on Alec’s chest, intending to push some healing magic into Alec’s chest. But Alec grabbed hold of Magnus’s hand before he got too far.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please. Leave them. Just a little bit longer.” He pleaded. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Magnus nodded, understanding. Alec gave him a thankful smile, and Magnus was awed once again by how beautiful his husband was. Alec brought his blood and cum-covered hand to his mouth and moaned at the taste. Magnus could feel Alec’s dick twitch a bit, still inside him. But he knew that this was it for the night. They were both too physically and emotionally exhausted for more. Magnus couldn’t resist, though, and leaned forward again to kiss Alec, this time rougher, more possessive.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After some time, they finally pulled away and Alec scooted down the bed into a more comfortable horizontal position. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Just before they drifted off to sleep, Magnus said “We’re gonna have to talk about this, you know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Tomorrow,” Alec sighed and held Magnus tighter. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Tomorrow.” Magnus agreed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They fell into quiet, dreamless sleep. Hands never letting go. </span>
</p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Alec woke to soft caresses across his hairline. He hummed in contentment and pretended to sleep a little longer.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come on, darling. I know you’re awake.” Alec let out a little whine but grudgingly opened his eyes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Morning.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Morning, dear. Breakfast?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm. In just a minute,” Alec said as he reached over to give Magnus a good morning kiss. Magnus obliged, but soon pulled away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Later, darling. I promise. But first, breakfast! And we still need to talk about what happened last night.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Alec whined again, “Do we really have to?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Magnus didn’t respond except to throw Alec a stern look, telling him that he was in trouble. Alec looked down, cowed. He just remembered his promise to Magnus, long ago now, about how he’d come to Magnus whenever he felt down and the urge to be self-destructive. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Finally, he sighed. “Fine, fine. Alright. Just let me use the bathroom first.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can I heal you now?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Alec looks down at the mess of dried blood and cum on his chest, overlaying the now scabbed-over scars. He nodded, though his face looked a little wistful. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is something wrong?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s just… I wish I could keep some of them. I know it’s silly…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hush, darling. No such thing.” Magnus did not voice it aloud, but he understood. The marks represented something they shared together. The way Magnus had so lovingly taken care of Alec. They had shared something more intimate than they ever had the night before, and it was only natural that Alec would want to have some kind of keepsake from the experience. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How about I try something.” Magnus said. He waited for Alec’s nod, and then went to heal Alec, leaving behind the single </span>
  <em>
    <span>love </span>
  </em>
  <span>run at the hollow of Alec’s neck. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll glamour this,” he pointed at the rune, “So nobody can see it, but you’ll always know that it’s there.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Alec smiled up at his husband. “That’s perfect,” he said, and placed a hand over Magnus’s over his chest.</span>
</p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They sat silently at the kitchen table, eating some bacon and eggs that Magnus had magicked up from somewhere. Alec had long since stopped bothering to wonder where from. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After some time, Alec finally had enough. He knew the impetus was on him to begin the conversation. He decided he had to be brave. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So… Last night.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes. Last night.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I enjoyed that.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Magnus smiled softly at his husband. “Go on.” He knew Alec was still working on his communication, and was willing to be patient while still pushing him to do better. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I-I just.” Alec paused, trying to find the words to describe what he felt. “I don’t know. With everything going on at the Clave. I got so frustrated. Restless. I miss going out on missions, I’m not meant to just. Just sit back while everyone else risks their lives.” Alec fidgeted with his hands, frustrated with himself, how his words always fell so short of what he was really trying to say. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hush, pup, it’s alright.” Alec shot his husband a glare at the pet name, but Magnus just chuckled, unrepentant. “I understand. Sometimes you just need to… let go. But. It worries me, that you still feel like you need to handle it all on your own.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Magnus took a deep breath to give himself time to choose his words correctly, “The self-harm, the blood. Those don’t really matter. Easy enough to heal, either with an iratze or my magic. But that you had gotten to that point, what you must have felt. That you didn’t tell me, that I didn’t know, that I couldn’t help you </span>
  <em>
    <span>because </span>
  </em>
  <span>I didn’t know.” Magnus’s voice sounded pained. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Alec looked down, feeling guilty for making Magnus feel that way. “I’m sorry.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, no. Don’t apologize. Just please. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Please. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Let me in. Let me help you. Let me </span>
  <em>
    <span>be here</span>
  </em>
  <span> for you.” Magnus pleaded, intentionally quoting Alec in what he had said that night, so long ago, when he had broken down over his loss of magic. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll try, okay? I promise I’ll try.” Magnus opened his mouth to interrupt but Alec put up one finger to halt him. “Wait, just listen. It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just… sometimes I don’t even know it’s coming. I don’t even know when it’s coming until it gets bad. I think I’m fine. I convince myself that I’m completely fine. And then… this. I guess.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Magnus stood up, walking around the kitchen table to put his hands around Alec, hugging him close to his chest. “Alright, darling. Alright. Just promise you’ll try. It’ll be fine. We’ll be fine.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Alec looked up at Magnus. He placed his hand on Magnus’s cheek and pulled him down for a kiss. It was short and sweet, chaste. But he infused it with all the love and adoration he held for Magnus. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well then. Now that the difficult part’s all over. I noticed that you enjoyed yourself quite immensely last night.” Magnus smirked down at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Alec blushed but didn’t back away. “Ye-yeah. Yeah. I did.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Care for a repeat performance?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Alec’s eyes widened, but Magnus was quick to amend his words. “No, no. I don’t mean right now. But just… whenever you feel you need it.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Alec looked at him, chewing his bottom lip. “I don’t know. I don’t understand it. How could I enjoy something like that? What is wrong with me?” He covered his face in his hands.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, hey stop. There’s nothing wrong with you. Okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But how?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh I’m sure there’s a lot of scientific mumbo jumbo that I could throw at you about it. Endorphins and whatnot. But that’s not important. What’s important is how it made you feel.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, that’s what I’m really confused about. I felt… free in a way. Focussed. Like I was floating, and nothing else was important except the pain and you. I felt... relief.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Magnus bent down to capture Alec’s lips in his again, muttering assurances against them. Things like </span>
  <em>
    <span>it’s alright. You’re absolutely fine. and I love you so much. </span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Irl, a lotta work gotta be done to the cuts before bed. They gotta be cleaned out sterilized bandaged etc. to prevent infection and minimize scarring. But Malec has magic so I indulged them a bit. Don't try this at home lol.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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